For the sex study, ElitePartner also interviewed singles
It was awful."
You can be in love with several people. But very few can live it out. Love for three, four, and five can only work if the partner agrees. Polyamorous relationships are not just about sex. How this special kind of relationship can work.
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Polyamory doesn’t work without conversation
To love only one person: That is not part of polyamory. The philosophy assumes that every person can love and desire more than one person. It is not about collecting as many erotic experiences as possible, but about real love relationships. But can that work? Can partners overcome their jealousy with this concept? Heike Melzer, psychotherapist from Stuttgart, sees polyamory as "A balancing act that costs a lot of energy and means a lot of courage". Because one is embarking on insecure, new terrain, far away from the romantic-monogamous form of relationship. To lead such a partnership requires a lot of willingness to talk. "Communication has to be the be-all and end-all here"says Melzer.
Jealousy does happen anyway
Christopher Gottwald from the PolyAmores Network (PAN) association is 42 years old and has been in a polyamorous relationship with Heike for over twelve years. They have lived together for nine years and are raising three children. Both have additional partners. With Heike he talks about everything, openly and honestly. "It’s like going on a research trip to find out what your feelings are doing to you"says Christopher. Of course, he is sometimes jealous, but he doesn’t want to restrict his partner. Gabriele Aigner, couple and sex therapist in Munich only ever notices when something isn’t working in relationships. For example, when one partner falls in love with another and the desire for something new arises. She is skeptical of polyamory. "There will always be people who try it out for themselves – the only important thing is that everyone involved is doing well." Aigner considers it normal that jealousy occurs with this particular model. Wanting to take it off is unrealistic. "I don’t know anyone who would have made it credible."
Many are returning to monogamy
Many find it difficult to imagine sitting at home alone while their partner is meeting one or the other. "You can’t avoid imagining what your partner is doing with your loved one"says Aigner. Something like that couldn’t go well in the long run. Usually it sticks to a phase in which couples experiment. Most of them then return to monogamy, separate or look for a new partner.
Partnership must have rules
The 42-year-old Silvio Wirth, graduate psychologist and operator of the website polyamorie.de, decided to try again with monogamy. He’s been with his girlfriend for ten years, and has been monogamous again for almost two years. "We just wanted to put the focus back on the main relationship. We didn’t have enough time for each other"he says. When Silvio was 23 years old, he fell in love with two women and was looking for a solution that would bring everything together. Polyamory seemed like a suitable option. "It’s a very rich and varied love life"he says. Couples would have to give each other rules so that it can work.
Both partners have to agree
The top priority is to only do something with people who think that way. "It doesn’t help if someone only believes in monogamy and then at some point tries to drive you away from my partner"says Wirth. Polyamorists are not allowed to claim ownership. Why do people forego monogamy at all? According to couples therapist Aigner, it is unrealistic to take the vow today in view of the high life expectancy as well as personal and professional upheavals "until death do us part" to be observed.community service paragraph However, this does not mean that everyone has an open relationship with several partners in parallel. Instead, most of them are serially monogamous – the so-called life cycle partners with whom one leads monogamous relationships one after the other.
"Flirting is so much fun"
Christopher Gottwald didn’t want to lose his partner as an important person in his life just because he fell in love with someone else. "Flirting is so much fun. In a monogamous relationship you immediately think that you would hurt your partner with it or that this flirtation shouldn’t result in anything." This restriction does not exist in polyamorous relationships. "I’ve never had such a long relationship as with Heike, because there are fewer reasons to break up and at the same time more honesty."
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It’s not just about sex
Psychotherapist Heike Melzer believes that polyamory is not a draft that exploits people. For Polys is not just about living out their urges, but about love, commitment and trust. For example, women were looking for men who perceived them as persons, not just their bodies. If everyone involved in a polyamorous relationship agrees, it could work.
Polyamory gives couples the freedom to answer the question of what makes them happy. For Christopher Gottwald, it’s not just about sex. Silvio Wirth hopes that polyamory will no longer be a taboo subject in five to ten years.
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You have to be able to deal with it
But how can you explain the relationship with several partners, parents, friends or work colleagues who cannot do anything with it? "When you’ve found something that fulfills and makes you happy, you have to be able to deal with it"says psychotherapist Heike Melzer. "You have to realize that although you don’t belong to the norm, you can still stand by it with your head held high."
At some point in every partnership the desire subsides. This development is normal, but few couples want to accept it so easily. But how does the libido get going again? Can a partner swap be the solution and how should porn be rated? We asked an expert about his secret for lust and passion.
"In some cases, a visit to the swingers club can bring the desire back to a partnership, ”explains sex therapist Dr. Kurt Seikowski from the Society for Sexual Sciences. "However, swapping partners is only really recommended for a few relationships. ”As soon as one of the two partners has doubts about the experiment, the couple should better refrain from it. "The risk that the relationship will break up afterwards is simply too great, ”warns Seikowski. "I’ve had to experience that many times in my professional practice. “
Jealousy and competitiveness make swingers clubs risky
It’s not just jealousy that drives cracks in the partnership. The comparison with the other’s sexual partners can also put a strain on the relationship. "If a stranger triggers more passion in my partner than I can, it is hurtful, ”says Seikowski. The visit is only suitable for couples who have a very stable partnership in which both are equally looking for adventure. The expert is convinced that a visit to a swinger club cannot really save a relationship.
Do not pull out sex toys without warning
Seikowski believes that lingerie and sex toys are good for tingling hours. "It pays to be open to new ideas. Many couples benefit from it. However, one should not take the other by surprise. Find your way slowly, ”he advises and reports on a case in which a man suddenly gave his 50-year-old partner lingerie for her birthday. The idea of freshening up the love life backfired. The woman insinuated that her partner no longer found her attractive enough.
Sex toys should also not suddenly be on the bed if you suspect that your partner might react skeptically. You feel better here. Younger men in particular often see real competition in a vibrator, for example. "If the man has the feeling that the electric penis pleases the woman more than he can, it often gnaws at his self-esteem, ”explains Seikowski.
Vibrators – the competition in bed
There are even studies that show that women mostly only use the vibrator on their own because men often have a problem with it. Older men, on the other hand, see sex toys more as a relief: "They are happy when they have a break, ”the expert knows.
"Watch porn ”
And what else helps the love game on the jumps? "Watch porn together, ”Seikowski advised. The expert is convinced that stimulating images enrich love play. It is best for the couple to choose the film together.
But it becomes critical when the man starts "to shoot his powder alone in front of the computer ”. It’s been proven that regular porn use can lead to some kind of addiction. The men always need tougher scenes to get going. "At some point your own partner can no longer keep up and it becomes a problem for the relationship, ”says Seikowski. "Then the only thing that helps is withdrawal from pornography. ”In general, the desire for each other grows again when both partners refrain from masturbation.
Thinking of others during sex is allowed
What if suddenly the desire for another body creeps into the relationship? Then it is perfectly okay to think of another person during sex. However, you should keep that to yourself, advises the sex therapist. In his professional practice he has often experienced that the "Thinking outside the box “sex is felt to be more fulfilled and satisfying again – from both sides. Then the desire for another sexual partner often vanishes again.
Take time for each other
And how does Seikowski stand on the subject "Date Sex ”? You can try that, he says. But to switch on the desire at the push of a button and, as agreed, to attack each other on Thursday evening, is usually not realistic. He advises couples to take longer breaks, for example over a weekend. That leaves enough space for common activities, closeness and pleasure. And when passion finally overwhelms the couple: "Just don’t leave the TV on unless you decide to watch porn, ”emphasizes the expert.
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But sex alone is not enough for a fulfilling partnership. In addition to the pure physicality, the feeling of connectedness is also important. It is important that both live their partnership and do a lot together. The shared experience not only welds together. "Proximity also produces eroticism, ”emphasizes the expert.
Every fourth person in a steady relationship is sexually frustrated. That is the result of a survey among 10,000 Internet users on behalf of ElitePartner. Married men over the age of 30 were particularly dissatisfied.
Between the ages of 20 and 30, everything is usually okay in bed: 67 percent of the men and women in this age group surveyed stated that they were sexually satisfied in their relationship.
In the 30s, the fun in bed subsides
After the 30th birthday, the love life in the partnership apparently becomes more monotonous – and men suffer more than women. In their 30s, only 46 percent of men in a relationship and 53 percent of women are sexually satisfied. Every fourth man explicitly described himself as dissatisfied, in the case of married men it was even 28 percent.
Men may be less happy because eroticism is more important to them: three-quarters of respondents expect good sex from a relationship. However, only 64 percent of the women surveyed shared this expectation.
Lull in bed for every third couple
It is hardly surprising that people with a steady partner have sex significantly more often than singles. Almost half of all couples are sexually active at least once a week. However, in every third partnership there is slack in bed. That is, the couples have sex no more than once a month.
Every third single is sexually active
For the sex study, ElitePartner also interviewed singles. It turned out that one third of the singles are sexually active. Every fifth single man treats himself to an erotic adventure at least once a week and every fifth single woman has sex at least once a month.
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Women in Berlin should be better protected against violence. In order to achieve this goal, the SPD, the Left and the Greens have made an urgent request to convene an inter-departmental body. How sensible this is was on Thursday – shortly before International Women’s Day on March 8 – at the plenary session in the Berlin House of Representatives, however, highly controversial.
The body is to draw up an action plan for the implementation of the Istanbul Convention, which has been in force since 2018, a Council of Europe convention to prevent and combat violence against women.
"Violence against women occurs in all age groups and in all social classes"said Deyra Caglar from the SPD on Thursday at the current hour in the House of Representatives. "It is important to take decisive action against all forms of violence." Implementing the Istanbul Convention is one way of further developing the Berlin aid system, said Caglar.
Emine Demirbüken-Wegner from the CDU emphasized that violence against women cannot be excused. "This attitude must unite us all. This also applies to domestic violence, which continues to take up the most space."
The issue of violence against women should be more publicized, said the Christian Democrat, who described the Istanbul Convention as a milestone.